


restarting

by caeos



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Nonverbal Communication, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-04 21:17:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18351890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caeos/pseuds/caeos
Summary: Oikawa has a panic attack that completely shuts him down, Iwaizumi's there to help him restart.





	restarting

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is, i just love non-verbal communication in relationships.  
> the tags are sad but i promise it's not~  
> no graphic descriptions of panic attacks btw, don't worry. i live that, i don't need to write about it too lmao

Oikawa was very obvious about the feelings that meant a lot to him - his passion for volleyball, his frustration at opponents, and naturally, the expressions of his affection.  
  
Sometimes he was 'obvious' with everyone so admittedly it had taken he and Iwaizumi longer to get together than it perhaps should have - much to their team’s frustration. But hey, when you’re a naturally tactile person how’s a guy meant to know that congratulatory ass slaps aren’t always platonic?  
  
Oikawa had obvious expressions of anger or melancholy too, yelling through tears, his voice hoarse and broken as he shrieked his frustrations.  
Physically, he was known to push his body to limits too when facing a wall he couldn’t see beyond - admittedly he was better about that now, turns out getting an injury that threatened your entire career did that to a person.  
  
It was almost sad to see the caution in him now sometimes, as if he was preserving himself right until the second he physically could not stand on the court anymore.  
But watching him take those extra five or ten minutes to warm up reassured Iwaizumi that Oikawa could handle himself, valuing his body as much as his mind.  
  
Oikawa had another side to these extreme emotions though, a complete shut down.  
It wasn’t common, Iwaizumi saw it more as a restart on most days - Oikawa would grow chillingly quiet, collect his thoughts, before starting the day over with a fresh dazzling smile.  
  
Other days it was like this.  
  
Iwaizumi knocked on Oikawa’s bedroom door, his mother had let him in the house, he knew better than to expect anyone else.  
  
‘It’s just me,’ Iwaizumi announced, shutting the door behind him as he let himself in without invitation, as he’d grown accustomed to.  
  
It was never the same but it had been scary the first time he shut down like this - for both of them.  
When Iwaizumi screamed himself red in the face in worry and frustration whilst Oikawa stared dead ahead, unable to bring himself to respond. Unable to assure Iwaizumi that, whilst he wasn’t ‘fine’ in the usual sense, he wasn’t dying or anything.  
  
But, as most couples do, when Oikawa had found his voice again they’d talked it through - re-found their natural harmony together. Or perhaps just discovering a new rhythm.  
  
Oikawa was sat opposite the bed with his back to the wall, knees brought into his chest with his arms resting over them, face turned toward the ground.  
That was always nerve-wracking, unsure whether he was crying or just staring in complete detachment. Sure, that smile he plastered on was exaggerated sometimes but it suited him so much better than this.  
  
With his back to the bed, Iwaizumi kicked his legs out, swaying his feet as the silence fell like a blanket around them.  
  
‘You don’t have to talk,’ Iwaizumi said, as he usually did. ‘You… you do want me here though?’ He cringed, flailing to correct the conversation.  
‘I mean- you don’t have to answer that. Just… raise a finger if you want me to stay?’ Iwaizumi finished, unsure.  
  
It was only slight, but he saw one of Oikawa’s index fingers twitch, he let out a sigh of relief and sagged against the bed.  
  
‘I know you don’t want to say anything but… I’m here for you, when you’re ready.’ He’d brought his school bag with him as soon as Oikawa’s mother had texted - Oikawa didn’t want people fussing over him, not always anyway, quiet company was good too.  
  
So Oikawa worked through his thoughts and Iwaizumi worked through his maths, waiting for each other to meet in the middle.  
  
It started in his toes, Iwaizumi saw them twitching and tensing against the rug and his fingertips followed soon after.  
After a minute or two, with stiff joints, Oikawa’s arms uncoiled themselves and his legs followed suit as he crawled over to Iwaizumi’s side.  
  
He huffed, exhausted, onto Iwaizumi’s shoulder - he could feel the brief press of his lips through his jacket before Oikawa pulled himself up onto his bed and curled fetal.  
More than anything Iwaizumi just wanted to follow him, wrap his arms about him and squeeze the sadness from him - but people didn’t work like that unfortunately.  
  
So Iwaizumi just shuffled round to the edge of the bed, peering over the top to see Oikawa staring back.  
  
His eyes were red and irritated but his cheeks were dry, if he had been crying he’d calmed himself down long ago.  
  
Iwaizumi reached a hand out cautiously, palm flat against the covers as he pushed it towards his boyfriend. Oikawa followed the movement but didn’t uncurl himself, instead his eyes followed the length of his arm to scan over Iwaizumi’s face.  
  
Obliging, Iwaizumi crossed his arms on the bed and rested his chin atop them, sticking his tongue out as Oikawa stared - earning a slight quirking of his lips.  
They stayed like that for a while, eyes scanning over each others faces and mentally listing their favourite features, failing to run out of things to count.  
  
When Oikawa moved it was slow and laboured, one hand going to his stomach and the other tapping gingerly at his lips.  
  
‘Food?’ Iwaizumi guessed, Oikawa nodded sleepily. ‘Okay, I’ll be right back.’  
  
Iwaizumi kissed his middle and index finger, bringing them in to hover in front of Oikawa’s mouth.  
He didn’t meet them but a small grin overtook his lips, eyes regaining some of that amused shine.

***

‘How is he?’ Oikawa’s mother asked, cutting fruit into neat squares, fretting.  
  
‘...Okay,’ Iwaizumi said after a moment of hesitation. ‘He will be.’  
  
As temperamental as Oikawa could be he was still very strong-willed, he _would_ be okay - sometimes all you need is time.  
  
‘Can I-’ Iwaizumi gestured to a heap of watermelon on the side of her chopping board.  
  
When Tooru felt detached he always craved certain food types. Sour. Sweet. Crunchy. Cold. Something to kickstart his brain into allowing him to feel again.  
  
‘Oh, yes of course!’ She sighed, wiping the back of her hand across her forehead. ‘You’re so good with him, Hajime.’  
  
Iwaizumi stuttered, unsure how to response as he scooped the watermelon into a bowl. ‘I think… he just doesn’t know how to talk to you about it. I think he doesn’t want to be seen as anything less than a perfect son.’  
  
‘He knows he’s always perf-’  
  
‘Yeah but I think- I think he doesn’t want to think of himself as a burden on anyone.’ Iwaizumi said. ‘That’s for him to say though, he’ll talk when he’s ready.’

***  
  
Oikawa’s eyes were closed when he entered the room, not screwed shut, just lightly fluttered closed - it was nice to see the tension being pulled apart within him.  
But he wasn’t asleep, his nose twitched at the smell of watermelon.  
  
Iwaizumi brought his work around the side of the bed, bowl out in front of him as he nibbled on their snack - correcting an equation with his free hand.  
  
When he looked back to the bed Oikawa was sitting upright, eyes wide and owlish. Iwaizumi shook the bowl and Oikawa rolled his eyes at the action, raising an incredulous eyebrow.  
  
_‘I’m not a dog, Iwa-chan.’  
_  
That was a benefit of knowing each other for so long, Oikawa didn’t need to be talking for Iwaizumi to know what he was thinking.  
  
Nevertheless, Oikawa slid down off the side of the bed, shuffling forward on his crossed legs to sit opposite his boyfriend and start picking at the bowl of fruit.  
  
They sat in comfortable silence, fingers occasionally brushing as they reached for more watermelon - sometimes Oikawa would pull his hand away, other times he’d tangle their fingers together haphazardly for a moment or two before snatching the cube Iwaizumi had been going for.  
  
Iwaizumi placed a particularly large piece of watermelon between his front teeth, holding it there whilst he scribbled down his working out.  
  
His eyes were drawn to movement as Oikawa leaned in close enough to feel the heat radiating from his skin.  
They weren’t touching though, Oikawa just slowly sank his teeth down on the other end of the slice in Iwaizumi’s mouth - pulling away, crunching with a satisfied smirk on his face.  
  
Iwaizumi’s jaw fell slack involuntarily, watermelon falling to the floor. Oikawa whined, disappointed.  
  
‘Proud of yourself?’ Iwaizumi huffed in feigned annoyance.  
  
Oikawa just replied with an all too knowing smile.  
  
‘I’m going to smother you in your sleep.’  
  
Oikawa stuck out his tongue.

***

When this had first started, Iwaizumi had flat out refused to touch him, not when he didn’t have a spoken response.  
  
Now they’d figured out their new rhythm, things were different. Oikawa was pretty clear with his directions now, even without words.  
  
He was sat between Iwaizumi’s legs with his back pressed up to his chest as Iwaizumi threaded his fingers through his soft hair - pulling lightly at the strands on occasion as Oikawa hummed contentedly.  
  
Watching Oikawa move was something of a spectacle, every extension of his hand or turn of his heel was made with such conviction and purpose.  
There was something enchanting about the way he moved, which is why Iwaizumi was always attuned to Oikawa’s actions.  
  
The bed creaked under his weight as Oikawa rose up from Iwaizumi’s chest and turned round in place, sat on his knees.  
He held Iwaizumi’s eye for a second before taking his hand, examining it like a palm reader. His fingers were soft and precise - well manicured, respected almost, as to be expected from a setter - as he traced the lines of Iwazumi’s palm. His skin tingled.  
Oikawa took his other hand too, holding them both lightly by the wrist and seemingly inspecting them side by side.  
  
Pressing his palms across the back of Iwaizumi’s hands, Oikawa pushed them down until they rested on his own thighs.  
  
‘What?’ Iwaizumi asked, cocking an eyebrow. Oikawa hummed, feigning innocence.  
  
Fingers wrapped about his wrists as his hands were slowly pulled up Oikawa’s thighs, fingertips disappearing up the legs of his shorts.  
  
‘Oikawa,’ Iwaizumi said warningly.  
  
But Oikawa’s expression was bright, unguarded. There was no verbal communication but Oikawa was tactile as ever. His eyebrows raised, grip about Iwaizumi’s wrists going slack. _‘  
Is this okay?’_ He could read the words in Oikawa’s eyes.  
  
‘It’s okay, I just-’ Iwaizumi’s words caught in his throat as he lifted his hands, fingers barely grazing the skin as they withdrew from Oikawa’s shorts.  
  
Except Oikawa’s breath hitched, one octave off desperation, eyelids fluttering as he fell back onto his palms. _‘Please.’  
_  
‘Just, like, hit me if you want to stop,’ Iwaizumi suggested.  
  
Oikawa rolled his head up to meet Iwaizumi’s eye, amused.  
  
‘I meant tap me, don’t punt me in the gut, Shittykawa.’  
Oikawa raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes sarcastically.   
  
Oikawa was still sitting on his legs, leaning back on his palms with his head rolled back a little, looking down his nose to Iwaizumi - expectant.  
  
There was something about this that was so specifically intimidating in it’s intimacy, Iwaizumi wasn't sure where to start.  
  
_Here goes nothing_ , he slid his fingers beneath Oikawa’s t-shirt, brushing his thumbs over the skin of his abdomen and listening to him exhale dreamily.  
Equally gentle, Iwaizumi shifted his hands to knead his fingertips into the small of Oikawa's back as his thumbs stroked over his hipbones.  
Oikawa’s hips shifted forward with the touch, seeking out more mellow friction.  
  
Spurred on by Oikawa’s small breathy noises, Iwaizumi pushed his hands slowly up Oikawa’s back, lifting his shirt up past his navel.  
He ran his middle finger up through Oikawa’s pale happy trail, his other fingers finding footing as they came to rest over his sternum; feeling bone beneath muscle, and the rapid pacing of Oikawa’s heart under his hand.  
  
Emboldened, Iwaizumi rested both hands on Oikawa’s midsection, leaning forward to grab the bottom of Oikawa’s shirt between his teeth and pull it up to his chin.  
Oikawa’s head rolled forward, voice breaking a little in a whine as Iwaizumi leaned forward and pressed the cloth to his lips. He got the hint and caught the fabric with his teeth, holding it up off his chest.  
  
Iwaizumi hadn’t really intended to get so _in_ to this, but now Oikawa was flushed from head to toe, he felt heat pooling in his stomach.  
  
He took his hands, light and gentle, running them up Oikawa’s sides. Oikawa whined again, falling into a high pitched moan. His body almost caved in Iwaizumi’s hands but he held him upright.  
  
Iwaizumi wanted to place a hand over his mouth because that was far too loud for comfort with Oikawa’s mother still in the house.  
It’d be a shame to nurture a friendship exceeding a decade only to have Iwaizumi barred from the house because neither of them could keep their hands off each other.  
  
Nevertheless, Oikawa’s noises continued, high and broken over the background creaking of the mattress beneath them.  
  
Iwaizumi’s fingers slid neatly between Oikawa’s ribs as he grazed them up over his ribcage, keeping his touch featherlight.  
  
As his thumbs sweeped over his chest, fingers skimming his sides, it send shivers rippling across Oikawa’s body like the broken tension of a lake, Oikawa gasped sharply - scarcely short of a yell.  
His back arched achingly into the touch, taut like a bowstring. The t-shirt between his teeth fluttered down over him as his head lolled upright.  
  
‘Oh my god, oh my god,’ Iwaizumi repeated the phrase like a mantra as he snatched his hands back.  
  
Tears slid delicately down Oikawa’s face as he sort of… just... _crumpled_ against the mattress. Another pair of tears traced the pathway before Oikawa wiped his eyes, seemingly shocked by his own reaction.  
  
‘Oh my god,’ Iwaizumi repeated, having little else to say. ‘Are you okay?’  
  
He hovered over his boyfriend awkwardly, unsure whether to retreat or check him over.  
  
‘Too much,’ it was more an exhalation of breath than actual words.  
  
‘Bad?’ Iwaizumi fretted.  
  
Oikawa shook his head, breathing deeply, eyes dazed but with a dopey smile on his face. Iwaizumi breathed a sigh of relief and flopped down next to his boyfriend.  
  
‘Wait… did you?’ He looked to Oikawa’s crotch conspicuously.  
  
Oikawa’s brow furrowed and he dug an elbow into Iwaizumi’s ribs, offended.  
  
‘Ow, okay! Sorry,’ Iwaizumi laughed as Oikawa gave him the cold shoulder. ‘Damn, your elbows are sharp.’  
  
Oikawa rolled over, all irritation seemingly forgotten as he smiled absentmindedly.  
  
‘Can I touch you?’ Iwaizumi asked.  
  
Oikawa shook his head loosely.  
  
‘Not yet?’  
  
Oikawa nodded.  
  
Then he said something, well he didn’t speak, but Iwaizumi recognised the tune of his voice:  
_'Thank you.'_

***

By the time lunch had rolled around Iwaizumi’s stomach was growling loudly.  
He was hung upside-down, half on half off Oikawa’s bed, watching the man himself bounce a volleyball off his wall.  
  
‘Dude, I gotta eat,’ Iwaizumi said after a particularly loud complaint from his stomach.  
  
Oikawa turned, rolling the ball in palm and looking to Iwaizumi wide-eyed but calm.  
Sliding the ball back beneath his bed, he shuffled to be face to face with Iwaizumi.  
  
His face was a little harder to decipher when upside-down but he could recognise that scheming gleam in Oikawa’s eyes from a mile away.  
  
Slowly, he leaned in, and just as Hajime was thinking _well this is weird_ \- he captured Iwaizumi’s lower lip between his own.  
  
Taking his time to figure out the new angle, Iwaizumi moved gingerly into the kiss.  
Oikawa’s hands came up to cup his face, fingers splayed across either cheek as he pressed languid kisses against Iwaizumi’s lips.  
When he pulled away it was with a long, satisfied sigh, eyes drifting open serenely.  
  
‘I love you,’ Iwaizumi hummed, bringing a hand to cascade his fingers through Oikawa’s hair, cradling his head at the nape of his neck.  
  
Oikawa’s eyes lit up, mouth agape as he pressed another lingering kiss to Iwaizumi’s mouth. ‘ _I love you too.’  
_  
‘Enough distractions, come on big man, lift me up,’ Iwaizumi fell limp against the bed as Oikawa tutted. He rounded the bed, grabbing Iwaizumi’s hands and heaving him to his feet.

***

After lunch - which had just been a bowl of fruit in which Oikawa had arranged the strawberries to form a heart - they returned to Oikawa’s room.  
  
The man himself was forming a nest from his covers and blankets, ushering Iwaizumi and his laptop over once he was satisfied.  
  
Iwaizumi had picked out an American alien documentary - sourced straight from youtube - negating the subtitles in favour of dubbing over with what he concluded was happening on screen.  
  
Oikawa pressed his cold feet against Iwaizumi the second he strayed into his pillowy domain; he yelped but allowed his boyfriend to sap his warmth, deciding he had plenty to spare.  
  
‘Get comfy, the caption just said four-thousand five-hundred years ago, we’ve got a lot of time to burn through,’ Iwaizumi noted as Oikawa slid further down in the bed and pillowed his head on Iwaizumi’s shoulder.  
  
His breathing was steady, fingers entwined with Iwaizumi’s own beneath the sheets as he giggled at Iwaizumi’s narration.  
  
One of the presenters picked up a small wooden box with gloved hands.  
‘This box is filled with one-hundred live bees,’ Iwaizumi recited as the presenter shook the box next to his ear. ‘Now they’re angry and I’m going to make my partner open it.’ He finished as one presenter handed the box to another.  
  
Oikawa laughed but it trailed off into a whine, shaking Iwaizumi’s arm a little in his grip.  
  
‘Sorry, I don’t know why I’ve decided they hate each other,’ Iwaizumi laughed, pressing a kiss atop Oikawa’s head before turning his attention back to the screen.

***

Darkness fell about them - neither having the energy or desire to shed their blanket cocoon and turn the lights on - as the documentary dragged on.  
Iwaizumi’s narration had lost gusto as he grew tired, eyes drooping closed as the glare from the screen seared his vision.  
  
‘And as the infographic shows we are flying to… Arizona? I have no idea, it’s near Arizona. Probably.’  
  
On the other hand, as darkness fell Oikawa seemed to grow more active, Iwaizumi was beginning to be genuinely concerned that all those late nights were making him nocturnal.  
He was squirming, his feet shuffling beneath the covers, pulling the tassels on Iwaizumi’s hoodie between his teeth and pinging them into his face to stop him from dropping off.  
  
‘And this is the hole I threw my fellow presenter into,’ Iwaizumi joked as the camera panned to a large chasm the first presenter was crouched in front of. ‘Oikawa, I’m tired, you take over. See him?’ Iwaizumi pointed to the new man on the screen, he had an abundant and well groomed moustache and was captioned _‘The UFO Expert.’_  
‘You voice him,’ Iwaizumi mumbled, resting his eyes. ‘What’s he saying?’ He hummed, eyes shut.  
  
‘I love you.’   
  
Iwaizumi burst out laughing like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard, fearing he might actually be sleep deprived as he gasped in breath. His laughter fell flat when he saw Oikawa’s face. Oh my god, _he’d been talking to him._ He’d been _talking.  
_  
Before he could apologise, Oikawa surged up and crashed their lips together.  
  
Iwaizumi’s eyes blew wide, surprised, before he brought a hand up to Oikawa’s cheek and pressed a slow kiss down onto his lips, soothing the pace of their impromptu makeout session.  
  
As the kiss deepened, Iwaizumi pushed the long forgotten laptop aside, throwing a leg over Oikawa’s thighs and pressing an insistent kiss to his lips.  
His momentum nearly carried them both off the bed but Oikawa just clung on tighter and returned the kiss with matching vigour.  
  
His hands raked up Iwaizumi’s sides, bunching his hoodie beneath his arms - Iwaizumi broke away to pull it off over his head, catching the screen in the corner of his eye.  
  
‘Oh look, we didn’t find aliens again! Maybe next time,’ Iwaizumi finished his narration hurriedly as Oikawa slid a hand about his neck, the other grasping at his hair.  
  
He slammed the laptop shut and realised his mistake instantly as they were plunged into darkness - Oikawa sniggered a little but just felt his way until both hands were cupping Iwaizumi’s cheeks.  
His thumb slid down over Iwaizumi’s face until it pressed over his lips, Oikawa leaned in blind until he could replace the pad of his thumb with his mouth.  
  
They traded hot and wet kisses until Iwaizumi’s mouth felt dry, Oikawa peppered kisses across his face, trying to tempt him back in but Iwaizumi knew better than to fall for his tricks.  
In reality, he could and would do this for hours but knowing them they’d get carried away and Iwaizumi would never get his damn glass of water.  
  
‘What was that for?’ Iwaizumi asked in a soft voice as they broke apart.  
  
‘I love you,’ Oikawa repeated, Iwaizumi could feel the beaming smile on his face.  
  
‘I love you too.’  
  
‘Enough to turn the lights on for me?’ Oikawa crooned, speaking into the pitch black room.  
  
‘Ugh, fine.’ Iwaizumi extracted himself from Oikawa’s lap, nearly tripping over the covers as he felt for his hoodie on the floor.  
  
‘And bring me popcorn?’ Oikawa added in a hopeful tone.  
  
‘Yes,’ Iwaizumi said gruffly, hitting the lights and pushing his arms into his hoodie.  
  
‘When you come back maybe I’ll voice that UFO expert,’ Oikawa said, amused.  
  
‘You don’t think he’s in love with the presenter any more?’ Iwaizumi laughed, pulling the hoodie over his head.  
  
‘Nope, they’re both in love with the same alien.’  
  
‘Ooh, a love triangle,’ Iwaizumi replied, checking his reflection in Oikawa’s mirror to make sure he looked presentable.  
  
‘He never returns their cries into the cornfields, always probing around with other humans without them knowing,’ Oikawa snorted, rubbing the paw of his sweater into his eye.  
  
‘What a scoundrel.’  
  
Oikawa punched the pillow behind his back into shape, pulling the laptop onto his knee and opening it. He looked content.  
  
Iwaizumi allowed himself to stare a little longer.  
  
He never made a big deal out of it when Oikawa started talking again, he always knew he would. Even if he didn’t, they’d be okay, they could read each other's minds in the dark.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed whatever this was, all comments and kudos are appreciated v much!!  
> feel free to drop in on me on [tumblr](https://ccaeos.tumblr.com/) :D


End file.
